Making it Count

I am told that Vivian noticed this pretty pattern in tree bark and asked Richie to do a digital capture. I think it's pretty, too.

I'm writing my boards the 31st of this month, which is in six days, not counting tonight. In the past six weeks, I've worked harder than I ever have in my life. That's a risky statement for me. I don't like to say things like that. After all, what if I do poorly despite all this hard work - then I'll look really stupid and I can never say: "Nyeh. I didn't really try, anyway." I'll go ahead and stand behind it. I worked really hard on my honor's thesis, but I don't think I was physically or emotionally capable of the sort of day-in, day-out, nary-a-break workaholism I've been enjoying over the past six weeks. By contrast, the most difficult time I have ever had as an adult was right after I had Mazie. That's the hardest I've ever worked emotionally, I think. Richie, too. I think he was fairly concerned that none of us would survive a newborn. But board study has been pure elbow-grease, emotionally simple as long as I can dull my existential noise.

The bite of this is losing time with my family. The sweetness of it is Richie taking up my slack and all the laughter that happens in the house when I'm in the office with the door closed. Speaking of the office door, I stressed it out and now the knob just unscrews instead of actually working the opening latch. I kept getting stuck in the office until Richie fixed the knob tonight. Anyway, Richie has understood when I've been grumpy and distant and absent. He has done everything this household has needed. Vivian always comes in to let me know when something REALLY fun is happening. I take dinner with the family, and I come down to say hi when they come home, but that's basically it.

I'll take another risk: the risk of being disgustingly Flanders. This has been the richest time for learning I've ever had. I occasionally become incredibly brain tired (quicksand brain), but most of my time is spent learning and elaborating on what I've learned. Something about the singleness of purpose of this time has suited my learning style well. I would be way too big for my britches if I said I was ready to go be a doctor now, but I think now I may be able to keep up in conversation regarding the care of a patient.

There's one thing that's really bothering me. I forgot BOTH of Vivian's last two Daisy meetings. I almost cried at 7:30 last night when I realized that the other Daisies in Vivian's troop were probably just settling down after their return home from their meeting. Vivian loves Daisies, and I love Vivian - that's why I got her into Daisies. The first time I flaked, I chalked it up to stress and thought we'd catch the next one. Two in a row strikes me as officially egregious. I haven't told her about it because it's not necessary and I feel awful. I know she'd be upset. But I did e-mail some moms of Daisies telling them about forgetting and asking if their Daisies would be up for a play date in February. I think I should tell Vivian, but I'm wondering if it's ethical to wait until she's eighteen.

This winter has flown by. My exposure to the out-of-doors is at an all-time low, so I haven't been exposed to this winter that much. Nonetheless, I'll be glad when February gets here for a number of reasons. One is that February is when winter starts to wane. You start to see buds on trees here by the end of February. And the rivers are made of chocolate milk and the streets are paved with gold. Okay, fine, buds happen in mid-March. But February is - statistically - warmer that January. And then spring will be here and, soon, pool weather!!!