Motherhood and med school

I think when I started this blog I had in mind to document a path of what it's like to be a parent (of the female sort) and be in medical school. As I actually go through the days, clarity is elusive and nothing feels done. I don't really feel on top of anything, only thankful to have completed another step or to be in the middle of a step I'm completing. I enjoy the time...but it doesn't feel clean. A good friend of mine said to me a long time ago that I don't really talk about things I haven't figured out. I think a little of that is showing as I go day by day not writing about the things that really come up that are difficult. Number one, usually they're mundane. Number two, if they're not, I've become too private to really say much in a public forum, although I'd gladly have an open face-to-face conversation with the readers I know of. I guess that's the nature of the blog format.

The pervasive theme has been that I can't micromanage. That sounds very zen, until not-micromanaging causes some sort of large responsibility to slip through the cracks (because none of us is perfect). Richie doesn't really get adequate backup from me. I mean, we throw out leftovers when they go bad and we still flush the toilet, but less immediate things are more difficult to wrangle. Gymnastics? Hasn't happened. Birthday party RSVP's and gift-buying? Almost un-doable - between figuring out whether it's me or Richie who's available, convincing Richie (bless his heart) of the worthwhileness of attending said celebration, then getting a gift that fits into a budget that has no allocation for gifts...very tricky.

So, we sort of hobble along, smiling mostly, and mostly patient with our shortcomings. I'm sure we've blacklisted ourselves as poor respondents and giftgivers, and probably a few other bad things, but honestly? I have to not worry about it and do the best I can. I guess the complicated stuff that I could write about in this forum is a mixture of boring and embarrassing. Life is good, better when we concentrate on controlling our irritation levels, working hard when we're working, being fully present when we're physically present, taking small failures in stride, etc.

There are some great joys (besides stuffing face with cookies, which is usually the urge I'm fighting) that don't take long. Planting things is surprisingly quick to accomplish, then yields joy and a feeling of connectedness. Doing hair in the morning is pretty fast, then the girls are properly coiffed and a joy to behold. Jogging need only take 15 minutes - once upon a time, I'd pish posh on such a quick jog, but now I recognize how vital it is to get moving if only for a quarter hour. Dancing through some songs is always fun. And there's dinner every night and every night (lately) I've read a chapter from the Chronicles of Narnia to the girlies. We're finishing The Magician's Nephew. I look forward to that time all day long.