This must have been 2010.
To write about what's ACTUALLY happening in a completely unsanitized forum. I haven't been completely honest here because I don't want to discourage or worry those who are supporting me...but this is one of the hardest things I've ever done.
To say the role adjustment has been difficult would be a massive understatement. R has taken on the traditional single working mom role, which sucks for anyone who does it. Then we have a dynamic in our marriage that I thought we put to rest and banished (with lots of dying to self and changing of ways) years ago: I control/backseat drive/criticize and he overreacts, defends disproportionately and resents. You could put his stuff first because there are times when he misses the mark by a country mile (which he'll admit retrospectively) and when I express legitimate frustration, he does his half. But I'll put me first because me being irritated first is how it begins some unknown percentage of the time. I wish someone would mic our house and press record when we argued so we'd know exactly what happened. I think we'd both be shocked.
Anyway, this last month saw me freaking out because he was cloudy and stormy and I have been under a constant guilt burden since beginning this med school thing. It isn't just hard, it is painful to let go of my cooking, my homework help, my management of behavior, my cleaning (I really only enjoy an hour or two per week of cleaning, but I actually get a fresh feeling about life after I have organized/ cleaned (controlled) everything)).
Anyway. It's been hard. there's been some shouting. I have lapsed into some of my more self-destructive behaviors at times. I've been staring at the screen occasionally, or at a book, or at notes, utterly incapable of making my mind move over them.
But I do love this cardiology stuff. There's a lot of practical skill involved. Speaking of which, I'd better end this navel-gazing session pronto and resume in a week.
All my best to whoever cares enough to read this.
No comments:
Post a Comment