Advice

I wish I had pictures to post, but all the people I run into at our school building who are in my class are studying every bit as hard as I am. It's really quite lovely: 23-year-old Adeolu, in the computer lab from dawn until long after dusk. She has an entire environment set up there. She has special hiding places for her stuff so that she doesn't have to transport it back and forth for the brief amount of time she's home - to sleep and shower, I guess. But she always looks so fresh and kempt - you'd never guess she's working so hard to see her in passing. But she is...and she's going to do great!

There's also Mina. Mina is young and lovely as well, and gregarious. But she's an absolute workhorse of study stamina when you give her a challenging test to prepare for. She keeps similar hours to Adeolu - long. She is incredibly focused, shunning social contact. I see her friends come by and in reply she proffers a quick wave and half-smile and that is IT, folks, so just walk on. Nothing to see here.

This time is really weird. On one hand, I can't imagine doing this level of engagement (stopping only for the essentials and getting up and doing it over again) lasting a day longer than it has to. We're all sacrificing balance for this period of time. On the other hand, I feel like I'm just hitting my stride...and I think I'm not alone in feeling this way. There's something simple about knowing what you're going to do and knowing that everything else comes second (for these few weeks).

The class above us has offered advice and help generously. Lots of people told me lots of different things. I have taken the advice that I think works best for me. One person said to me, "I'm not going to lie. Studying for boards was the worst thing I've ever done in my life." Well, to make that positive, she must have been studying really hard. I feel more like the person whose advice was: this is a chance to put it all together. The stuff you've learned begins to link up into something cohesive, and that's pretty fun.

I'm trying to keep my head down and push through these next three weeks. I'm a little scared that something very disruptive will happen, or that I'll do all this studying and then not do well on the boards. I have other more existential concerns as well. Everything seems sort of bittersweet when you're spending all day alone, sorting the mystery. Accepting the mystery is difficult: Will my work bear good fruit? Will my family be okay? Will I get to see the people who are dear to me but far away? Will Vivian and Mazie one day have to DRIVE? I can't handle sorting it. I have to accept the mystery; there is no choice.

How does sphingomyelin accumulation cause hepatosplenomegaly again? At least I can answer that one. It may take five minutes...but it can be done. Very clean - easy in comparison. The trick is to stick to the pathophys and pharmacology, etc., and stay away from the bigger mysteries for now.