Toyota

Vivian this morning at dinner:

"On Star Wars? Why does Toyota have to look like that." The punctuation is not a mistake - it accurately reflects her inflection.

We all laughed and laughed.

Making it Count

I am told that Vivian noticed this pretty pattern in tree bark and asked Richie to do a digital capture. I think it's pretty, too.

I'm writing my boards the 31st of this month, which is in six days, not counting tonight. In the past six weeks, I've worked harder than I ever have in my life. That's a risky statement for me. I don't like to say things like that. After all, what if I do poorly despite all this hard work - then I'll look really stupid and I can never say: "Nyeh. I didn't really try, anyway." I'll go ahead and stand behind it. I worked really hard on my honor's thesis, but I don't think I was physically or emotionally capable of the sort of day-in, day-out, nary-a-break workaholism I've been enjoying over the past six weeks. By contrast, the most difficult time I have ever had as an adult was right after I had Mazie. That's the hardest I've ever worked emotionally, I think. Richie, too. I think he was fairly concerned that none of us would survive a newborn. But board study has been pure elbow-grease, emotionally simple as long as I can dull my existential noise.

The bite of this is losing time with my family. The sweetness of it is Richie taking up my slack and all the laughter that happens in the house when I'm in the office with the door closed. Speaking of the office door, I stressed it out and now the knob just unscrews instead of actually working the opening latch. I kept getting stuck in the office until Richie fixed the knob tonight. Anyway, Richie has understood when I've been grumpy and distant and absent. He has done everything this household has needed. Vivian always comes in to let me know when something REALLY fun is happening. I take dinner with the family, and I come down to say hi when they come home, but that's basically it.

I'll take another risk: the risk of being disgustingly Flanders. This has been the richest time for learning I've ever had. I occasionally become incredibly brain tired (quicksand brain), but most of my time is spent learning and elaborating on what I've learned. Something about the singleness of purpose of this time has suited my learning style well. I would be way too big for my britches if I said I was ready to go be a doctor now, but I think now I may be able to keep up in conversation regarding the care of a patient.

There's one thing that's really bothering me. I forgot BOTH of Vivian's last two Daisy meetings. I almost cried at 7:30 last night when I realized that the other Daisies in Vivian's troop were probably just settling down after their return home from their meeting. Vivian loves Daisies, and I love Vivian - that's why I got her into Daisies. The first time I flaked, I chalked it up to stress and thought we'd catch the next one. Two in a row strikes me as officially egregious. I haven't told her about it because it's not necessary and I feel awful. I know she'd be upset. But I did e-mail some moms of Daisies telling them about forgetting and asking if their Daisies would be up for a play date in February. I think I should tell Vivian, but I'm wondering if it's ethical to wait until she's eighteen.

This winter has flown by. My exposure to the out-of-doors is at an all-time low, so I haven't been exposed to this winter that much. Nonetheless, I'll be glad when February gets here for a number of reasons. One is that February is when winter starts to wane. You start to see buds on trees here by the end of February. And the rivers are made of chocolate milk and the streets are paved with gold. Okay, fine, buds happen in mid-March. But February is - statistically - warmer that January. And then spring will be here and, soon, pool weather!!!

Some Pictures:
I walked past Mazie's room one day and she was posing as the famous Fragonard painting, "Girl Reading at an Open Window."
Another: Vivian with our neighbor, Seijia. Seijia's parents speak mostly chinese and are both post-doctoral students at Georgia Tech. Seijia is good at math.
Another: Mazie and Richie on one of our snow days, happy because they've been sliding downhill on skateboard decks.
Another: Snow pic to mark the occasion.
Finally: Clay snowperson.

Totally Wiped

This is Cindy the Cat playing with fire AND standing on the table, which is a huge no-no and makes me wonder why Richie took the picture instead of shooing her away. Because it's a cute picture and he knew it would be, that's why.
I am presently totally wiped. I've been studying microbiology all day. This is a bear of a subject that our curriculum touches on, but doesn't go wild about. So now I'm learning about all sorts of disease processes and trying to do it quickly enough that there's still time for organ systems! I just took a practice test of 46 questions that took 3 hours to complete and then review, making notes in the all-important First Aid book that has become an object of extreme importance (owing to the notes therein). Oh, and I studied for the entire day, taking breaks to do essential things. This has been a long day, after several other long days. My friend recommends tearing pages out of First Aid when you get *really* frustrated. So far, I hadn't torn any out. But tonight, midway through micro, those "extra" pages in the back are looking pretty loose. Nonetheless, I do like knowing things I didn't know before.

Ha Ha; Minor Victory!

Honestly, I don't know why I bother blogging about this minutiae, but I am REALLY, even overly excited that I just finished a Qbank problem set with an average of three minutes spent per question (with review) and I am totally excited!

Windy

Tonight is windy and co-old. It's flurrying, but the snow isn't drifting down the way Georgia flurries ordinarily do. It's driving sideways and hurts when you go out. Nonetheless, it cheers me, as does the sound of people moving around the house and doing things. My mom will remember, I always preferred to go to sleep to the sound of things happening so that I felt I wasn't missing out. This is the same. If 8% of my brain is occupied by normal home noises, I can both take comfort in the nearness and normalness of it all, and still use the other 92% of my brain for USMLE-approved learning purposes.

Tonight Richie and the girls watched "It's a Wonderful Life." Richie came upstairs afterwards with damp eyes. I asked Mazie and Vivian how they liked it, and Mazie said "I really liked It's a Wonderful Life...except it ISN'T a wonderful life." I guess bittersweetness is lost on a seven-year old, as it hopefully should be. Both girls sang, "Buffalo Gals, won't you come out tonight?" at lights-out.

Handsome

Gastrointestinal today

So, for those of you who are wondering, I have had halting success sticking to my study schedule. I wish I were robotic, just for these 8 weeks. Our family's bouts of frequent illness haven't helped, but aside from that, sticking to the schedule is about
1) Staying in the chair. (I wiggle like a pre-K'er)
2) Having my brain on task. (Look! a tube of chapstick!!!)
Both have challenged me so far (usually, there's class to break up the sitting), but I've gotten better at it over the course of this week. My biggest problem right now, schedule-wise: having budgeted about 2 hours per 46-question block for both answering Question Bank questions and then reviewing them in detail, when in actuality, they take me about 4 hours to go through (so far). I'll have to massage that one a bit to make it fit. Or take away from some other area...

Finally, guilt. Plain and simple: guilt at not being with my family in more quality ways. I am mommy-in-the-tower. It's better than being deployed, or a refugee, or working this hard at something I didn't truly want to do...but it's hard at Christmastime! I usually craft and cook, but this year I have thrown up lights on our neighbors' 4-foot fake tree that they let us borrow. It's short but festive. And we put it on top of a cardboard box, so it's less short now, too.

But Richie has Vivian making cornbread and Mazie is reading. I think everyone is okay without the scent of pine needles this year.

Working on renal today...

Today is blustery and sunny. Well, it was sunny while the sun was still out. It's dark now and I can hear the wind all around our apartment and feel it whooshing through the windows. The pictures I put up are, in mysterious order (I can never tell based on the code) are: Nephron art of which I am particularly proud. Richie listening to Vivian read. Mazie reading. Vivian with her Playmobil setup - the gift that keeps on giving :). I hope everyone on the Eastern Seaboard and parts northward is staying warm. Brrrrr!!!! BTW, Goljan = my BFF.

Lovely Thanksgiving afternoon

A beautiful Fall Tree Trunk
And we got to see eWeb (Mazie is dressed as the green hornet)
And we got to feed the geese...
And we got to go biking!
Make that re-bicycling, courtesy of Richie's make-a-bike skills.

Everything is beautiful

Everything is beautiful and touching right now. I believe it's that time of the month in that time of the year.

I flossed my kids' teeth. Mazie has another loose tooth. Vivian learned to ride her bike a while back, but is re-learning on a bike Richie pieced together out of two used ones we bought (long story; the important part is that there were enough good parts to make one good bike...it just has a funny color pallette). So Vivian is all banged up - legs covered in bruises. I've been eating too many cookies. We cooked big pots of food last night and the night before. First, cream of vegetable soup; second, pinto beans that turned out pretty good.

It is TIME to start studying for boards. I feel nervous and excited and impatient. An expanse of time spreads before me: a landscape obscured by fog. I'll be feeling my way through each day - my stamina, my ability to focus in my surroundings, my retention. I plan to keep in touch with my scattered, solitary compatriots. Marco! (Which resource are you using for biochem?!) Polo! (I have Lippincott, but I found First Aid to be sufficient!)

Meanwhile, Richie is awesome. Cindy the Cat won't stop climbing our screens. Mazie and Vivian are obsessed with my bathrobes. There are three - all from the thrift store - which works out to one for each of us. And, as shown here, everything is beautiful.

Whoops - forgot to mention that that is Mazie in her dandelion costume. Her part in the second grade musical was to be a weed. She chose dandelion in the flower phase of its life cycle. Later, I'll post a picture of the inscription on the tee shirt that we used to make the yellow headdress. Priceless.

Wow.

So, I've been looking at this blog, reading a bit of what I wrote. I think I haven't written at all over the past six months just from being flat overwhelmed by the day-to-day. I think about all the stuff I've learned, finishing up with anatomy, the weather getting so hot and then changing to cool again. I think about seeing patients in clinic, about the changes Richie and I have gone through to adjust to our new roles. I think about my friends doing the same things I am doing and about my friends and family who are far away.

How I am feeling right now can be summed up by the AA meeting I went to for our latest module (Psychiatry/Neuro). It's predictable, yet profound: One Day at a Time. Every day is a gift, and has its own work. God is good. That is all I have right now; Lord may it be sufficient.

Fall!

Explanation of photos: Vivian on the phone with Grandma, at dusk, near halloween. "Passport-style photo" FAIL. Mazie jumping for it. Vivi and Mazie getting Crazy-haired at Fall Festival. (This was a very cool idea that I plan to co-opt for my own purposes except I will not use RUBBER bands!)

Still Here...

I'm in renal module - physiology and diseases of the kidney, acid/base balance in the body, genitourinary system, and some other fun stuff. I LOVE the kidney. I have Dr. Paul Heideman to thank for that. His animal physiology class back in 1998 (Oh, dear; has it been THAT long? Renal physiology has probably CHANGED since then!) got me thinking about kidneys. I actually remember explaining renal function to Richie when we met because I was so excited about it. That's weird. But Dr. Heideman loves physiology as well as the process of teaching/learning so much that he made animals' nitrogen excretion quite compelling. That was a great class. It was the first class that got me thinking that maybe I LOVE PHYSIOLOGY. And I do. I actually STILL do.

The kidney contains about two dozen plot twists and quiet ingenuities. So cool. AND, now I've held a kidney in my hands. We cut it in half so we could see the renal pyramids, the cortex, the medulla, all the vasculature, and the calyces. It's as discreet and tidy as you can imagine. Who could think that something so small gets an amazing 20% of our cardiac output? Without kidneys, we're toast, and sadly I knew only the vaguest of information about them before animal phys. Oh, I knew that they are more or less where urine comes from. Otherwise, my only information was that: a) you could allegedly awake in a tub of ice with your kidneys missing, the victim of the black market organ trade, and b) it hurts to get punched there (I owe this knowledge to Pete, who thankfully never gave me the dreaded Kidney Punch, but who referred to it enough that I knew it was mystically disabling).

Anyway, I'd like to give a little primer of kidney function, but I'm afraid I'd fall miserably short. I would be telling a story with incessant diversions. I will say only the following: It keeps your body cleared of stuff you don't need, keeps your blood pressure steady, keeps you in acid/base balance (which keeps you alive), and performs a number of other important functions such as regulating the number of red blood cells you make and your vitamin D levels. It's truly AWESOME, and that's without mentioning anything about countercurrent exchange mechanisms, filtration, secretion, urea cycling, tubuloglomerular feedback, or any of the kidney's other tricks of the trade. I am shocked it all fits into these two modestly-sized bean-shaped organs.

Ahhh. And it's summertime, so the windows are open and I get to sleep at a balmy 80 degrees. No cold feet. No goosebumps. Ice in my water. Outdoor sounds (which presently include the sound of hair-drying, I think). The girls and Richie have been going to the pool every day. Usually I use the time to study since I know they're all happy without me, but today I went swimming with them. So fun! Mazie can swim completely unassisted in the deep end. She's not freestyling yet, but she's proficient at underwater swimming. Vivian is more of a tadpole right now. She's getting the hang of it, but she tuckers out too easily to be left alone in the deep end. She can toodle around the edge of the pool and make it across the deep end if given a shove at the outset. But they both love it (Richie, too!). We do underwater teaparties and Attack Daddy and touch the bottom of the deep end together and all sorts of fun things. I was glad I went today.

Spring/early summer

Now posting has become a seasonal event. That's the way right now. If I have free time, I'll be darned if I'm going to spend it inside. And lately I have had little (Saturday mornings are family mornings for us).

We just finished our GI module and anatomy. By the end of anatomy, we have so thoroughly dissected every body part (I sort of want to use a Native American analogy about using every part of the body; but I'll resist) that the cadaver is really really discombobulated. We can't help it; we saw everything and figured out exactly where it was and what nerves, arteries, and veins supplied it, etc., but in so doing separated so much from so much else that some things are no longer recognizable to people who didn't participate in the dissection. We were meticulously respectful of our cadaver, but you just can't learn the dissection without getting between the parts and taking apart what was together in life.

I will be relieved for the cadavers to be cremated, as they will be this week. They have given us a learning opportunity that is probably more profound than it feels right now, which is pretty profound. I have HELD a kidney, heart, lungs, spleen, GI tract, etc. I know what nerves look and feel like. It's amazing. Even as I write this I'm thinking about body parts I wish I'd gotten to know better. Our cadaver was male, so I wish I'd gotten to see a few more uteruses and ovaries because if I practice OB/GYN, I'll need that. Now I'll have to wait until the brief window next year between the dissection of the last body parts and the closing of the lab for the year. In all, I saw and understood much more than I expected to see and understand. I am really thankful for that.

I am also really eager for these cadavers, these bodies that are now thoroughly asunder, to be ultimately disorganized. I want them to just finish their entropic journey and become ashes. It may be less organized in a way, but right now they're in a disturbing state of purgatory between organization and disorganization. Resolution will be good. There's a memorial service that I'll be attending.

Anyway, I have to go to bed. Renal module day two awaits in the morning. I like kidneys. PS Vivian and Mazie finish their school year on Friday!!! I could just go on and on, but the cork will have to stay in the bottle tonight, per the usual. Peace.

So, in no particular order, these photos are from a day at Stone Mountain, Mother's day at Kennesaw (we used physical sunblock so all the photos from that day look like phantom of the opera), my friend Laura Jane who fed us dinner taking pictures of M and V clamoring for sweets, Vivian doing dishes (she loves this), and me studying at my favorite study spot.

So much for observing National Poetry Month.

National Poetry Month, I have failed you. I'm sorry. The days have been SO busy, even during spring break. I have been attacking other things I need to do in the times that I'm not studying. Still, only half the list is done :(.

Love to all.
B

Moveable Feast...

The timing of Easter is as follows: The first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox.

Odd superimposition of Christian observance overlaid on the Jewish Passover and then again upon the Rites of Spring (or something). But who cannot help rejoicing at the newness of the vegetation and the return of warm days and the Morning Chorus (I adore the LOUD morning chorus outside our apartment in the morning. Everyone is singing to beat the boat: Chicka Dee Dee Dee! Piri piri piri!"

We had a delightful Easter. I'll post pictures when Richie uploads them - morning egg hunt, afternoon egg hunt, and Easter dresses.

Richie and I were picked to "hold the elements" today at church. This responsibility entails walking up at the appropriate time and taking the pre-poured grapejuice and the bumpy bread and standing at the head of the aisle (Richie on his side and me on mine). We don't even have to say words over the elements, although I prefer when people do say words for me. It was my first time, so I settled on just standing steadfastly with my thumb buried in the end of the bread so it would hold tight when congregants tore pieces off. I figured I'd work words into the routine next time. But...there may not be a next time.

Everything went seamlessly at first. We caught our cue, we got the elements, we stood. We managed to keep the bread on the plate (so it was not a moveable feast today har har har). Just as I was beginning to get cocky and think this was not so difficult after all, things started to get dicey in my line. One of the people filing through my line is a man named Tom. Tom has been so incredibly nice to us since we started attending this church that when I saw him all smiley on Easter Sunday about to take the Lord's Supper, I just felt very emotional. And I started crying. My lip began trembling at the person after him, but the tears didn't start to pop out until several people after Tom. And, with my hands occupied with the elements, there was no wiping my tears away or hiding the fact that I was overcome with emotion. So I just stood there...crying and smiling and doing Lord's Supper.

I don't know what the people in line, most of whom I've never met or seen before since we are new to this church (and Easter turns out all the people who never come otherwise). Either they thought I was just like Imogene Herdman crying at the end of "Best Christmas Pageant Ever" or they thought I was unstable and possibly dangerous. I should feel embarrassed, I guess, but I don't. I have always cried a lot in church because I cry when I'm happy or sad or feel strongly about anything at all. Maybe there was a fellow crier in the line who was just glad it wasn't them.

Then, at the end, the Lord's Supper servers serve each other. So Richie and I went up and started to serve each other but we couldn't work out who would do what, and whose cup and bread we'd use, so there was a lot of shuffling and some holding dishes between belly and arm and at least one loud clink. We finally accomplished the task and took our seats. I have never seen anyone else get so discombobulated serving the Lord's Supper.

Then it was over and we left right away because we had to take Mazie to Nana and Poppy's for spring break. So we got no feedback, bad or good.

Richie's folks had made a lovely Easter meal, so we ate lunch and celebrated birthdays with a cake and then we dyed eggs and had an egg hunt. I say "we" loosely, because although I didn't actually take my flash cards to the table with me, I managed to study most of the time. I was present, but aloof with stuff in my hands. More on this strategy later when I have more time...there's another boring study methods post waiting in the wings.

We had a change of plans late in the game today. Mazie is on spring break with Nana and Poppy. We were taking Vivian home with us because her spring break was weeks ago, but then, when we were 10 minutes towards home, we felt wrong about separating the two of them. We decided to take Vivi back so they will both be with Nana and Poppy. It would have been okay to separate them, but they both looked relieved that they'd be together. They are often adversaries, but they adore each other and take great comfort in the other's presence when the chips are down.

No kids tonight and we feel weird. I worry about them compulsively, but I know they're in good hands...

So, now it's time for bed 15 minutes ago! I hope everyone had a delightful Easter!

Sorry about the typos!

HA! I just re-read some former entries. Instead of going back to edit them, which would take more time, I'll just apologize for those past and those I have yet to make...I haven't been proofing. I usually type the entries standing up while brushing my teeth or something like that - one day I hope to return to a life that permits rechecking my work, but this month is NOT it! BEST!!!

Season of Poetry.

Favorite Justin Moore quote: "God didn't make ice cream so we could sit around not putting it in our coffee.)

Favorite Justin Moore flourish: "Clap! Clap-clap-Clap Clap CLAP!"

Favorite Justin Moore tradition: Observing National Poetry Month.
In honor, I will be checking Justin's blog to see what he has to bring to the poetry table and I will be posting some poems that I love as well.

In other poetry news, I just found out that a friend's poems have just been published in the New York Quarterly, and that's reason for celebration.

So, here's the meat and here are the bones:

Haiku by Basho:

Husking rice,
a child squints up
to view the moon.